


Helpless

by ezazahaz



Category: Political Animals
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide attempt (canon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ezazahaz/pseuds/ezazahaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time TJ mentioned being suicidal he was fifteen.  His mother didn’t handle it well.  His brother tried his best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helpless

“I can’t take it anymore, Mom! Why does everything I do have to be such a big deal?”

“You know why, Tommy. The press will always make a big deal out of anything they think people will read. I just wish you’d told me first so I could help you find the best way to come out on your own terms.”

“You mean _your_ own terms! All you care about is how this is going to affect Dad’s approval ratings!”

Douglas winced at the the raised voices in the hallway outside his bedroom. At least when Mom and Dad fought, they tried to do it behind closed doors, so less than the entire White House staff could hear it.

He tried to focus on the book he was reading, but the screaming outside his door was too distracting.

“I always want what’s best for you!”

“Bull. Shit!” Ignoring Mom’s admonishment over his language (despite the fact that she used the same language all the time), TJ continued, “If you wanted what was best for me, I wouldn’t still be living in this goddamn fishbowl!”

“We can find you another boarding school--”

“That’s not gonna fix anything! I’ll still be the President’s kid, with people watching me to see how many times I’ll fuck up, how many times I’ll do something to shame my family. Maybe I don’t want to be part of this family anymore! Maybe I just don’t want to be anything anymore!”

Douglas’s breath caught. That sounded like…

“You don’t mean that, Tommy.” Mom’s voice was shaky.

“What do you know? You don’t even know about the bottle of pills I’ve got waiting for the moment I finally give in and do what’ll be easiest for everybody--”

Douglas hadn’t even noticed himself standing, just yanked open his bedroom door and stared across the hall at his mother and brother, tears glittering in their eyes. Mom was gripping TJ’s wrists, her expression hard as she demanded, “What pills? Where are they?”

TJ just shook his head and tried to pull away. “Doesn’t matter. I can always get more.”

“Tommy--” Mom’s voice was angry, but Douglas knew it was really fear she was feeling. The same desperate fear he felt.

She noticed Douglas standing in his doorway. The look in her eyes changed, and Douglas didn’t recognize it. It looked like giving up, but Mom wasn’t capable of giving up. It terrified him even more.

Then she shoved TJ toward him.

It wasn’t a hard shove, but it felt like something bigger. Something final. “Douglas, talk some sense into your brother,” she commanded, then turned to walk away.

Douglas forced aside the sense of betrayal and focused on his twin. Putting his hands on both of TJ’s shoulders, he pulled him into a tight hug. TJ didn’t try to pull away, but he also didn’t return the hug. He just stood limply, like staying on his feet was taking all the energy he had.

Douglas swallowed, then released the hug to pull TJ into his room and close the door. He dragged his unresisting brother to the bed, gently pulling him into his arms again, TJ’s back against his chest as they lay together atop the comforter.

He realized there were tears running down his own face, wetting the hair on the back of TJ’s head. He realized that neither of them had said anything yet. He realized that he had to say something, had to find the perfect words to fix this, to save his brother.

He’d never felt so helpless.

And he had to do this by himself, because his mother had abandoned them, thrown her suicidal son at his brother and left because she couldn’t handle it. The parts of his brain that weren’t busy worrying about TJ, about what the hell to say, were seething at Mom, for making his efforts even harder by planting the seed that she didn’t care enough to keep trying.

But he would do this. He had to.

“I love you,” he began, because maybe that was the most important thing. “I want you to be here. I--I need you to be. Please.”

TJ sobbed in his arms, still not speaking.

“I know none of this is fair. We didn’t ask to be part of this life, to have our every move watched and judged. I know it gets to you more than it gets to me, and maybe that makes it even harder for you. Surrounded by people, you still feel alone.”

Was that a nod?

“But you’re not alone. God, TJ, I’m here, and I love you, and I need you. You’re not alone, and you can’t leave me alone, please. Please.” Douglas’ tears were flowing more steadily now, and he tightened his grip on his brother.

He didn’t know what else to say. All he could think was that he was helpless. Even if he somehow said the right words now, nothing could stop TJ later if he decided to…

If he decided to kill himself.

_God._

“Please don’t. You’re not alone. I’m here. We’re here. We need you. I need you. I love you. Please…” The words and tears were flowing, and he didn’t know what he was saying anymore, but it had to be the right thing, he had to say the right thing to convince TJ to… to stay.

Eventually, TJ’s sobs lessened, his breathing slowed down, and Douglas’ words trailed off.

Then, a single word, so quiet Douglas didn’t know if he’d imagined it: “Okay.”

“What?”

“I won’t do it,” TJ said quietly. His voice was thick with phlegm, but not with feeling. He sounded more exhausted than anything.

Douglas felt exhausted, too. TJ’s words gave him some relief, but failed to wipe out all the fear. “Promise me.”

TJ took a few deep breaths. “I promise I won’t try to kill myself.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

~~~

Years went by and many promises were broken before TJ broke that one.

When Douglas got the call that TJ was in the hospital for carbon monoxide poisoning, he didn’t feel the same desperate fear. This time, what he felt was more of a sad resignation. But the feeling of helplessness was the same.

When he heard that Mom had been the one to find him, Douglas wondered if she remembered her actions the first time he’d threatened suicide, so many years before. He hated the vindictive hope he felt that she did remember, that she felt guilty for it now.

Then Douglas went to the hospital to see his brother, to tell him that he loved him, and to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most personal fiction I’ve ever written. I experienced this with my sister when we were teenagers. (She’s better now.) I don’t remember what I said. I remember that I played Amy Grant’s “You’re Not Alone” because it had words I didn’t. Most of all, I remember feeling helpless.
> 
> If you are feeling suicidal, know that you are not alone. People care about you. Talk to a family member or friend, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). You can also chat through their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org


End file.
